No parent should ever have to bury their child. But sadly, sometimes that happens. Sometimes, things happen that are beyond our control no matter how badly we wish we could change the outcome.
For those of you reading this who have lost a child in the first trimester of pregnancy, this post is for you.
For those of you reading this who have lost a child later on in pregnancy, this post is for you.
For those of you reading this who had a child born into heaven, this post is for you.
For those of you reading this who have lost a child hours, days, weeks, or even years after giving birth to them, this post is for you.
In this post, I will share the five ways I learned to cope with the loss of my son, who I lost at 16 weeks due to IC (Incompetent Cervix).
But first... let me share my story with you.
MY STORY Until you've experienced it yourself, you can never truly understand the devastating pain that comes from losing a child.
At least that's how it was for me.
I had known people-close friends even- who have had miscarriages and I never knew what to say to comfort them because I had never been through it myself… until now.
It was the Saturday before memorial day and we were preparing for my daughter's late birthday party when I started bleeding lightly and having intense cramps.
Of course, I googled my symptoms and most of the sites I read told me that it was normal to have some cramping in the second trimester and that what I was experiencing was most likely Braxton-Hicks Contractions.
So, I decided to bear through the pain and try to get as much done as possible for my daughter's birthday party on Sunday.
Then, it got worse.
The cramps were now accompanied with intense pain in my lower back, and since I had already been through labor before, I should have realized right then and there what was going on but it had been over a year since giving birth to my daughter so I had forgotten what it was like.
I decided to call the hospital and ask them if I should come in. (My doctor's office was closed so I couldn't ask my OB). I told the nurse on the phone that I had been bleeding and cramping all day and that my husband and I had sex the night before but I forgot to mention the most crucial information; the back pain.
Big mistake.
The nurse I spoke to on the phone told me that it wasn't uncommon to experience some bleeding and cramping after having intercourse due to the fact that both sperm and orgasms can cause uterine contractions. She then told me to drink a lot of water, rest on my left side, and then if it didn't go away after a couple of hours, I should come in.
I should have went in as soon as I got off the phone with her. But I didn't. By this time, it was 7 in the evening and the pain was bad but it didn't compare to the pain I was about to go through.
By 9, my “cramps” were getting so intense that I could barely stand and laying down did nothing to relieve the pain. So I told my husband that we needed to go to the hospital.
When we were taken up to the OB floor, we had no idea what to expect. By the time the doctor arrived, it was almost 11 in the evening and she told us that she wanted to keep me overnight to monitor me and that she would be doing a pelvic exam.
No big deal, right? At least that's what I thought before she did the pelvic exam.
During her pelvic exam, she discovered that I had bulging membranes and at the time, I had no idea what that meant but by the look on her face and the fact that she ordered that I had an ultrasound done immediately, I could tell that it wasn't a good sign.
We had our one year old with us and it was WAY past her bedtime so my husband decided to take her home. When, he left, all he knew was that I was being kept overnight. He had no idea of the hell that we were about to endure.
During the ultrasound, my doctor and the technician were intensely staring at the screen and whispering back and forth, trying not to let me overhear.
Then, after the ultrasound, my doctor pulled my dad (who was in the room) to the side and whispered something to him. I didn't even have to hear what she said to know that it wasn't good news, I could tell by the vacant look on my dad's face.
Then my doctor gave me the worst news that I have ever received:
“You are in labor. And if you deliver, your baby won't make it. I'm so sorry.”
Up until that point, I had held everything in. But upon hearing those words, I broke down. In fact, I completely lost it. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me.
But it was.
Less than 20 minutes after the ultrasound, my water broke and that was the moment I knew… I was going to lose my baby.
At 12:36 AM, I gave birth to my 16 weeker, Titan Reid Sherrard. He had two eyes, two ears, two arms, two legs, two hands, two feet, ten fingers, ten toes, and a beautiful smile. Aside from the fact that he could fit in the palm of my hand, he was perfect. He looked like a baby, because he was a baby.
My angel baby.
HOW I COPED The first two weeks after my loss were the worst. There were days when I didn't eat, days I barely slept more than two hours, and for those first two weeks, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't break down and cry. As someone who has experienced the worst kind of pain imaginable, believe me when I tell you that I know what you're going through. If you're reading this post because you have recently suffered a loss whether it was an early miscarriage, late miscarriage, stillbirth, or if you lost your child at a later time in life, I want to start by saying that I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this and that if you ever need anyone to talk to about it..I'm here for you. Day or Night. Just send me a message whether its through Instagram, Facebook, or email. I PROMISE you that if you reach out to me about needing someone to talk to during your time of grief and suffering, I WILL get back to you as soon as possible. NO ONE should have to go through this alone. NO ONE deserves this kind of pain and suffering and my heart breaks for each and every one of you reading this in your time of need. Everyone grieves and copes differently but if you're at a loss for how to make it through, let this post be your guide. In this post, I'll give you the 5 ways that I coped with the loss of my son. I hope at least one of these helps.
1. Make a shrine or memorial box for your baby.
I was lucky enough to deliver my son at a hospital that put together a “memory box” and created a “remembrance certificate” for me but if you lost your child at home or your hospital didn't provide you with one, here's a photo of mine as well as a list of everything that the hospital & I put into it:
Baby blanket(s)
Baby hat
Umbilical cord clamp
Laminated hand & footprints
Baby's and Your hospital bracelets
Prayer Cloth
Baby's height and weight measurements at birth
Ultrasound photos
Pregnancy test (or pictures of it if you didn't save the original test)
Pregnancy photos and/or pictures of your little one
A letter/note to your baby
Onesie/piece of clothing
If you didn't receive a remembrance certificate, you can get the one I created here.
My husband and I decided to have our son cremated so that we could have something tangible to hold on to. The funeral home we went through provided us with three small urns full of his ashes, here are some pictures of the urn and the shrine I have made for our son on my writing desk:
2. Find or Make a Piece of Jewelry for Your Angel Baby My husband and I decided to order cremation necklaces to put our son's ashes in, that way he would always be with us. I found one on Ebay that I was able to get engraved. Ebay, Amazon, and Etsy have a great selection of memorial jewelry to choose from so I highly recommend choosing one of those online retailers for your jewelry. If you are going through a funeral home, ask the director or coordinator if they have any customizable jewelry you can order (note: most do, but they are usually more pricey than the ones you find online).
Here are pictures of the front and back of my necklace:
3. Get a tattoo for your angel baby.
If you're not afraid of needles, or if you already have tattoos, I'd highly recommend getting one in memory of your child.
I know my tattoo artist very well, (being that I am best friends with his son) and he had done every single one of the other tattoos I had so-of course-he was the one I went to for my memorial tattoo.
The one piece of advice you need to remember when getting a memorial tattoo is:
GO TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW AND TRUST.
Don't go to an amateur tattoo artist, go to someone who has had more good reviews than bad and has been doing it for more than 5 years. Or, if you already have tattoos… go to the same artist you've been to for all of your other ones, or to the artist who did your favorite tattoo (if you've been to more than one artist).
I gave my tattoo artist a rough idea of what I wanted and he took the idea I gave him and created something that was far more beautiful than anything I could have imagined.
Here is a picture of the one that I had done and if you like it, you are more than welcome to use it for your memorial tattoo. If not, you can look on google or pinterest for ideas.
4. Surround yourself with family and friends OR go to church.
This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you. After losing a child, I can almost guarantee you that you will suffer from some form of depression. I was severely depressed after losing my son and if it wasn't for the fact that I had my daughter, I probably would have killed myself.
That's how devastated I was (and if you are having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE SEEK HELP and call the national suicide prevention hotline at this number: 1-(800)-273-8255 immediately).
For the first two weeks after losing my son, I spent as much time with my family as physically possible. In fact, I avoided being alone at all costs because every time I was alone, all I could think about was my son and I would break down.
Every. Single. Time.
I also decided to go back to church, which was one of the best decisions I made during my time of grieving. Although I was angry with God for taking my son from me, I put that anger aside and looked to Him for comfort and healing.
Here are a few of the bible verses I found that gave me comfort:
5. Create something to honor your child.
What I mean by this is, if you have a passion for writing, photography, painting, music, etc. create something and dedicate it to your child.
If you enjoy poetry, write a poem for your child.
If you enjoy writing fiction, write a short story or novel for or about your child.
If you enjoy writing nonfiction, write a self help book about coping with the loss or your experience of it.
If you enjoy photography, create a photo book using some of your favorite images you've taken and dedicate it to your child.
If you enjoy painting, paint a portrait of your child, or paint something about your child.
If you enjoy making music, write a song for your child.
Whatever it is you like to create, just CREATE it. Expressing yourself through art or writing is one of the BEST ways to release all of the emotions that you are feeling in a HEALTHY way. When I first found out I was pregnant with my son, I had started working on another book and after losing him, I decided to finish it and dedicate it to him.
Instead of giving up on my dream as becoming a published author, I decided to work harder than ever before to turn that dream into a reality with my son as my motivation.
Thank you for reading!
If any of these tips helped you, please leave me a comment below. And if you'd like to see more of my content; feel free to follow me on Instagram or like my Facebook page.
Online Resources for Grief and Loss:
